The Do's and Don'ts of Having an Infertile Friend

taken from this blog --> From Here to Fertility

The Do's and Don'ts of Having an Infertile Friend...

This entry is written for family and friends, old and new, who may have a sneaking suspicion that DH and I are having problems. It's not easy to admit that this is happening, nor is it easy to talk about. I would like to share with you my innermost feelings so that our relationship might whether this storm - because at the end of the day, you are important to me.

Infertility is a reality for us right now. Some of you might be shocked at the use of this word, but one in six couples experiences infertility - it's more common than you think. When you are around me, please keep the following thoughts in your heart -

Don't ask me if I'm pregnant, or speculate with others. This hurts me more than you could ever know. Plus, it makes me feel fat. When the time comes, I'll share the blessed news. But being asked all the time if I am pregnant is a constant reminder that I am NOT.

Don't feel compelled to share the latest "get pregnant" trick. Believe me, we've tried them all. Putting my feet up. Simultaneous orgasms. Drinking raspberry leaf tea. OPK sticks. Fertility monitors. Pineapple juice. Vitamin B. Acupuncture. Chinese herbs. Cutting out caffeine. Going on a vacation. If I had a dollar for every trick we've tried, we could afford to travel in Europe for the summer.

Don't tell me to relax. Until you've suffered the sorrow of trying fruitlessly for years, you'll never know the anxiety and the stress that yet another period causes. The fear of not being able to have a child can be all encompassing. There's nothing relaxing about seeing everyone around you get pregnant, or attending the tenth baby shower of the year, after having looked at yet another negative HPT. Relaxing is impossible.

Don't tell me I can always adopt. It's easy for many of you to say; you've likely felt the joy of feeling your baby kick you for the first time, or marveled at the way your baby giggles just like his daddy. Your mother has probably said to you "She has her great-grandma's dimples!", or your father has said "He has his mama's temper!" These are the things that I want to experience. Adoption isn't right for everyone.

If you are pregnant, don't tell me that you're ready for it to be over. Right now, I would kill for the chance to have swollen feet or heartburn. I would love to feel the goo of the ultrasound gel on my big belly. I'd revel at being able to actually wear maternity clothes, not just touch them and wish. Don't take for granted your pregnancy - it really is a miracle.

If you are pregnant, please don't share every detail with me. While I really am happy for you, it doesn't help me to hear all about the things that I fear I will never get to experience. Don't tell me that you could feel your baby being conceived, or that your cravings are getting stronger, or that your prenatal yoga classes are making your baby dance in your tummy. It'll just make me feel guilty that I feel sad about your happiness.

Don't tell me that you feel sorry for me when we are at a baby shower. I don't need your pity. I need your understanding. I need your distraction. I need your love and support. I need your shoulder to cry on, or your ear to bend. I need you to be a friend.

Which brings me to the "Do's" of having an infertile friend...

Do ask me how I'm doing and let me know that you are there to listen.

Do give me the time and space to share when I want to, and if I want to. Respect my privacy and refrain from judging.

Do help me by distracting me with your friendship. Meet me for a coffee. Take me window shopping. Gossip with me on the phone. Do everything you can NOT to avoid me. I need your support.

It's as simple as that. Just help me to feel loved right now, because I really need it. This has been one of the most isolating times in my life. And I'm not sure it'll ever be over...

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SUKA gila, itu pon dpt drp sini Mrs A Hehe! Thanks for sharing the link. Blog orang yang tulis ni pon mcm best je nak baca. shes been struggling since 2008...wow.. Its good to know that ure not alone. Really.
Blog tu blog matsaleh, so mmg la dia slalu gi babyshower semua..kita jarang ada babyshower. aku takpenah pon pegi or dijemput ke babyshower...tapi cukor jambul, yes. mmg adat kita. Yeah, majlis cukor jambul pon aku byk avoid. which i know is not good. kdg2 aku kaji dulu, siapa yg menjemput itu. kalo dah mmg kwn2 rapat, aku tau kwn2 rapat takkan annoy aku dgn soalan2 pregnancy lagi. tapi kalau sdara2 yg dah lame xjumpe of kos diorg akan tanya benda tu. aku tak pegi kazen aku nye cukur jambol aritu, aku ckp laki aku keje. sbenanye aku sgt tipu :( takbaik kan. tapi, aku nak elak drp sakit hati dan benci org, jadi aku terpakse buat camtu..korang takkan paham.
jadi utk buang rase bersalah tu aku belikan hadiah untuk dia. so aku kirim kan hadiah tu kat bapak aku je.

aku sgt stuju dgn "If ur pregnant, dont tell me that ur ready for it to be over." betol. aku slalu sgt dengar mende ni, dgr komplen2 ni drp org2 yg pregnant. aku paham, kite mmg nak express feeling tu tp cube jgn buat bende tu mcm satu seksaan buat korang, cube korang appreciate sket simptom2 pregnant tu sbb korang sebenanye sgt untung kerana dpt experience bende tu. sbb bukan nye forever pon.for only 9 months je kot.

tapi kesimpulannya dia tu omputeh..hehe part ni aku bersyukor la aku dilahirkan sbg Islam sbb aku bersyukor sebenarnya, mmg aku sgt nak anak, siape yg taknak? (eh ade tapi susah la nak cari, leh kire dgn jari org yg taknak anak ni. normally org yg taknak anak ni akan regret ade anak lepas die 'beranak'.) Tapi aku syukor atas kenikmatan dunia yg Allah dah bagi, sgt cukop. Kalau ada rezeki dia akan bagi, tunggu saja....

Semalam aku n laki aku lepak kat subang dgn epul+alin..saje jalan2..laki aku terserempak dgn kwn lama dia mase skolah teknik dulu..borak punye borak, member die tu tanya

"ko dah ada anak ke along?"
"belom rezeki lagi la..ko?"
"belom gak...ko dah brape tahon kawin?"
"2 tahon lebeh"
"aku 6 tahon beb...hmm takpe la redho jer"

kewl, 1st time dgr perbualan lelaki yg tanye2 psl ni..slalu pompuan je kene. kwn laki aku tu teros kata "rilek je la weh, nak wat camana dpt lambat..aku lagik lama tunggu...xde gak..takleh wat ape dah lom rezeki"

hm..