Torture Ourselves

How do we torture ourselves? and WHY?
How do we overcome this?

1. Seeing a pregnant lady and say to ourselves:
    "Jelesnya :( Kenapa bukan saya?"
    "Bestnya dia mengandung, Kenapa bukan saya?"
    "Macam mana lah rupa aku kalau mengandung ye :( Hai bila lah agaknya rezeki aku"

2. Pass by a Baby Shop like Anakku or Mothercare and wonder:
    "Bila lah agaknya aku boleh beli benda2 ni?"
    "Kan best kalau mengandung, boleh shopping barang2 baby :( "
    "Menyampah betul lalu kedai baby ni..bukannye bole beli pun :("

3. Hear a pregnancy news and say:
    " Bestnya :( kenapa dia???"
    " Tahniah!!!" senyum, then balik menangis mintak hubby pujuk.
(kalau hubby org lain mungkin larat la pujuk, tapi laki aku, free2 je aku kena ceramah forum perdana berbakul2 terus kalau pi sedih2 pasal takde anak ni)
    " Kau diam boleh tak, perlu ke bagitau semua orang" (this is what i did b4) hehahaha!
    " Eleh boring nye pregnant awal2" (padahal taktau cerita orang tu tah2 4 5 tahun baru pregnant)

4. Got your period, and say
    "sayang, saya period lah :( " to your husband. then your husband pun torture u with that :( face.
    " Why do u have to come????????" and then cryy cryyy cryy.
    "Why do you leave mummy??" in the toilet. Cakap dgn darah kotor mcm tu.

5. Everyday think of BABY. BABY. BABY. and nothing else! you forget
    a. that you have tons of debts
    b. ada buat dosa dengan orang, belum mintak maaf.
    c. that you cannot even take care of a cat.
    d. seldom call ur mom, or mother in law.
    e. takpernah bayar zakat pendapatan.
    f. the money u spend a lot for fertility treatment could've maybe save someone's life, by donating.
    g. your house is a MESS. (like mine) imagine what could have be if we have kids.
    h. that you can be happy in every way, but choose to be SAD, JUST because of no baby yet.
    i. that Allah dah beri segalanya pada hidup kita. lupe nak bersyukur eh?
   j. that you still have a husband, berbanding orang yang tak kawin2, banding dengan ibu tunggal, banding
     dengan ANDARTU, banding dengan somebody else's yang lebih SUSAH. 

6. Hari2 menangis mengenangkan benda yang sama. Taknak fikir pasal lain pun, nak fikir pasal pregnantttttttttt je.

7. A Makcik or Pakcik or a friend suggest a product, or a method for fertility, u straight away buy the product and hoping miracle will happen within 2 weeks. and if it doesnt, u ditch ur aunt/uncle for introducing the product.

8. Saw ur husband cuddling or carrying a baby of his friends or relatives, and say to urself
"kesian suamiku :( teringin sangat dah dia nak anak..kenapa aku takboleh bagi???"
(padahal dia saja2 je pegang and takde niat nak make u feel that way)

8. I'm all of the above before, that's why i have this blog for 2years already.

Im not saying all this as if i have never done any of it.. I admit, i've done HALF of it. hahhaaha.
It was a torture to myself. that's why i come out with the "If making love cant get me pregnant so Be IT" post. actually i wanted to STOP torturing myself.
Taknak benci orang lagi tapi sadly, its a hard, VERY HARD thing to do.
Bila orang datang provok kita and assume that we're planning lah, when people thought that my husband could maybe have the problem lah, semua ni is a torture. people torture us, and we tortured ourselves back with their thoughts! penat kan?

Jadi macam mana nak buat?

1. Seeing pregnant lady and say to ourselves:
"Cantiknye baju maternity yang dia pakai, esok aku pakai, cantik mcm tu jugak punye!" :)
"dia tu ada 8 adikberadik, dari kecik dah pandai jage budak2, tu yang dia asik mengandung tu" (anggap je laa)
"bagusnya dia pregnant, mesti dah TTC 10 tahun" (anggap je laaa)

2. Pass by a Baby Shop like Anakku or Mothercare, think
"siapa la yang nak beranak dalam masa terdekat ni eh? boleh belikan hadiah!"
" kedai apa ni? tahyul semua ni!" :P
" -tak pandang pun kedai tu and anggap mcm lalu kedai sparepart kereta je- nope, not interested.-"

3. Hear a pregnancy news, say:
" Congratulations!!!!!!!" terus fikir malam ni nak masak apa.
" Congratulations!!!!!!!" terus fikir kerja apa yang belum siap.
" Congratulations!!!!!!!" balik rumah tgk Astro Warna dan gelak banyak2.

4. Got your period, and say 
" Sayang!! Period!!!" to your husband, if he did :( this face, tell him, Syukur darah kotor keluar, sekurang2nya bersih dari darah kotor. 14hari lagi cuba lagi jom!
"Thank u for coming!!! Atleast i dont have to buy another pregnancy test!
" My cycle is normal! Alhamdulillah!"
think of somebody like me yang SUSAH nak period, atau yang tak period2, atau yang borned without uterus, ovaries, at least you can get your period! demit. When u get ur period u can try clomid, or other fertility boosters! kalau tak period kena ambik ubat utk induce period dulu baru leh ambik ubat subur, tahu??? It's even harder if u DONT get ur period, and of course, not pregnant. the stress is double!

5. A Makcik or a friend suggest a product, or a method for fertility, and u tried ALL of them. Say.
"Dah try SEMUA sekali, progress sikit2 je. mungkin tak ngam kot?"
"Saya ni PCOS, produk sipolan tu takde utk PCOS."
"Pergi urut tu takleh pecahkan cyst2 kecik2 ni makcik, lagi bagi banyak ada lah"
"Sengkak rahim? yang bermasalah ialah hormon saya bukan rahim"
"duit tabung sy dah habis" -__-

6. Your friend/relatives asked Planning ke?? say 
"Ikut Plan Allah Taala je"

7. Saw ur husband cuddling or carrying a baby of his friends/relatives. say:
"Hensem sungguh laki aku kalau jadi bapak nanti!kan!"
"Haaa suke ye pegang anak org, sok ada anak sendri taknak pegang, siap!" (joking dgn diri sendri)
or hear somebody say "Haaaaaa elok pun ambik berkat!"
u say back "camtu bagi kitorg je la leh hari2 dukung baru cepat sket berkat tu turun dari langit"
then dont forget to SMILE!!! hehehe, people can make sarcastic jokes, but not harsh. but its killing us. WE CAN TOO. ha kalau kau taknak bagi aku bwk balik anak kau, kau jgn ckp banyak psl berkat.
lalalala

Hehehehe, well, im just suggesting things to counter our "tortured" minds.
believe it or not, we ARE torturing our minds with all of these. including me.
im trying to counter all of that.
you should too! :)
u may not follow all my suggestions, u can create ur own :D
but make sure, it doesnt make u feel tortured, sad, distraught.

remember that we ALWAYS have choices to FEEL AND BE HAPPY rather than sad.
we are just weak, well kita ni manusia biasa. tapi taksalah berusaha :)

good luck!